Sunday, November 11, 2007


Lately I've been finding myself slowly sinking into the great abyss of depression and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Going to an MD only serves to be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and fed drugs that screw me up worse than the only acid trip I've ever taken, which just happened to be twenty-eight years ago and as clear as if it happened yesterday. I'm NOT bi-polar and I'm not suffering from clinical depression. I'm suffering from chronic pain, chronic stress and absolute frustration which in turn physically weakens me and THAT is what depresses me. The fact that I hurt somewhere in my body every day of the last twenty-five years and the fact that I've yet to discover how to handle my stress is aggravating, and the fact that I see no changes in sight depresses me!
Bi-polar is a chemical imbalance and my chemicals are balanced, it's just my joints and my life that is out of kelter.
And few, if anyone, understands or even knows these tid bits about me. Instead I'm labeled as a bitch...And while it does bother me to some degree, on the otherhand I think, "Oh, well! Walk in my shoes for a day and I promise you won't be angelic, either."
There are people who look at me and apparently view me as a simpleton because I don't strive to keep up with the Jones. I don't sit and dream about diamonds on my fingers, driving a Chevy taHOe, seeing George Strait in concert...(Give me a break, will ya? I saw him once, he was great. Why do I need to see him everytime he comes within 6 hours of where I live???) I don't wear "slacks" or Italian leather shoes or shop at Macy's or get my hair "done" every 4 weeks cause my roots are showing and I don't want anyone to know that I'm 44!!! I don't fit in with most women because I find it absolutely silly to sit around and gossip about Hollywood stars and Country Music entertainers, or who in the town is sleeping with who's husband or wife.
Those things are of no importance to me and I'm not sure why they are of importance to anyone else???
So, I wear my jeans and tee-shirts, my boots and my solid gold wedding band and I'm happy and I'm comfortable. I stay at home and keep my house clean. I cook for my husband every night. I take care of my children and when I have the chance, I read a good book...maybe two a day 'cause I can read fast. I mind my own business and I try to be kind and polite to everyone...BUT, don't think for one second that I'm a timid push-over!
If I'm nice to you, you damned sure better be nice to me because I will not be treated rudely, patronized, "put in my place" by anyone who has no idea where my place might be, nor will I allow these actions against my husband or children. When these behaviors are directed to me or mine, it is as if the real Bitch in me awakens and I am ready to bite someone's stupid little head off!
I hate control freaks and the "better than you" crowds. I detest being talked down to and having someone explain some trivial thing to me as if I had a single digit IQ. I find it intolerable when people assume they know everything about me simply because they know my first name, even if they've had twenty years or more of opportune times to really get to know me, yet have not. I have no use for these people.
If you make a promise, then keep it. If you can't keep it, then apologize. But don't just let it lie there with the other person expecting it and you not intending to keep it. This isn't only rude, it's cruel!
If you're having a bad day, don't lie and say "It's all good" when it truly isn't, then have people wonder why you behaved so hatefully...Be honest and tell them, "This is a piss poor day and my mood is not good. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me."
And for God's sake, don't judge another person by the clothing they wear, the style of their hair, the car they drive, or even by what they might have done twenty years ago! Everyone has different priorities, different likes and dislikes, different tastes, different beliefs and everyone makes their own decisions in life based upon their own circumstances.
No one has any compassion anymore. I guess this is what gets to me, what eventually leads to my deepest, darkest bouts of depression...Sort of my "trigger".
One of my favorite people in the world is a drug addict. Drugs have robbed her of her looks, so she isn't even pretty anymore, but she is the funniest and most kind person I've ever met! I can't be around her any longer because she's so deep into the mess, but I miss her all the time. I still don't judge her and will always love her.
I know a man, have known him my entire life and have loved him just as long. He's an alcoholic and a drug addict, but I will always love him regardless. I know what he went through as a child and I understand his need to escape the pain and hide in a bottle or a joint or a snort. I'll never be his judge.
I know a woman who has had extramarital affairs and I still love her and will always be loyal to her.
I know a man who rants and raves, comes up with the most ridiculous ideas bordering on paranoia, and puts his family through hell. Yet I understand him better than anyone else ever will for we share some of the same demons. How can I possibly judge this man? All I feel for him is love and understanding.
One of the wealthiest and most astute individuals I've ever met was a man others called "white trash". He was always dirty, always drove an old junker that smoked so bad we just knew it was going to die at any minute and had more kids than Abraham was promised!
One of the wealthiest, most intelligent women I've ever known was also the prettiest. She made her wealth in a man's world, doing a man's job and never once did she compromise her morals or her integrity, though many were jealous and said she did. She wore jeans and boots and tee-shirts, was never bejeweled, was nice to everyone she ever met and didn't take no bull off of anyone. Today she has made her husband a wealthy man and is still a beautiful, faithful and devoted wife.

I think if people took the time to cast their judgments aside and search deep within themselves for a little compassion, a little understanding, a little acceptance this world would be a much better place to live and my depression would certainly abate!

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