Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here I go again...Depression

In my garden of life, I think I will call "Depression" crab grass. No matter how hard I try to kill it off, it sneaks back in with a vengeance and disrupts the entire production of my garden.

So, here I go again...Just about the time I think I'm stable and doing okay, life strikes and I find myself falling into this horrendous state of depression. Unlike many people, my depression exhibits itself through frustration, agitation, pessimism, hunger, anger, tantrums and rage. Rarely have I ever been a depressed "cryer" or someone who sleeps away the days...But I'm sure my family would prefer I was!

Anyway, the triggers this time are:
1). The Inability to sale my property and get away from here. I finally took it off the market last night. The one asset we have and we can't use it! No realtor will touch it, no one wants it and we seem to be forever stuck with it. My child can not be a part of any extra-curricular activities at school, can not be a part of a Sunday school class because his abusers have close ties within the churches and school system here. I can no longer be outside tending my garden because I've grown so allergic. If something terrible were to happen to my husband, I would definitely lose this place...There are no job opportunities here for me and the overhead and upkeep are just too much. To make matters worse, I have to listen to everyone who HAS sold their home and who ARE buying new homes tell me all about GOD's WILL. I find myself asking GOD, "SO was it your will that my child was abused? Or am I such a terrible person that I deserve all of this?" ( Our holier than thou family members would say YES to this as in their opinion, God only blesses the GOOD people...meaning them, of course!)
2). My weight and my looks.
Pretty petty, huh?
Well, there was a time when I was pretty and in good shape, slender and in excellent health. Those days are gone. I'm obese, arthritic...a BIG reason why I'm obese...and I cook really GOOD! My allergies and asthma keep me indoor bound a large part of the year, and when I can get outside, there is no where to walk or hike or even ride a bike. I am just plain fat and ugly and I HATE it!
3). My kids...I love them, but they drive me insane with worry. I haven't spoken to one since Christmas Day...His excuse is that he doesn't like to talk on the telephone. Bullshit! I'm raising his oldest child...He could at least call to check on his son from time to time...Before Christmas 2008, I spoke to him December 26th, 2007! Another kid is going through a divorce. Another kid is only 23 and having health issues that scare me, but he doesn't get medical care. The fourth refuses to get rid of her non-working, bumming boyfriend and is forever bleeding me for money. And finally, the baby won't listen to a word a say, or if he does listen he constantly mocks me and makes fun of me. When I discipline him, then he gets all sweet and apologetic...and ten minutes later he's back to his old self.

And, so, it is the last day of April 2009 and I am depressed.
What a wonderful way to start the spring.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Why do people lie?

Why do people lie?
What a great, yet unanswerable, question.
I am an open book...It is the way I try to live my life. After all, I know that there is a GOD and I know that HE watches everything I do, every second of my existence, and there is nothing that I can hide from My FATHER in HEAVEN. HIS judgement of me, and HIS approval and/or disapproval of me is something I fear...Maybe not as much as I should, but enough to keep me forever watching myself.
Therefore, if I can not hide from HIM and I can not lie to HIM, why on earth would I seek to lie to people who do not control my eternity...and where it will be spent? And, yet it is with great concern that I watch and listen to people who, on a daily basis, lie about all kinds of things...some silly, some very serious...And these very people claim to be Christians, claim to love and know GOD.
How can that be?
How can a person know GOD and then turn around and lie to their friends and family?
Do they think they are hiding something, that perhaps GOD won't see? DO they really think that lying doesn't count in the grand scheme of things?
As for me, I would rather have no friends than have friends that lie to me...I don't care if it's just because they are wanting sympathy, or wanting me to take their sides, or just wanting to have a reason to talk...(gossip!).
Truth is, I don't have the time or the energy to listen to and maybe be upset over something a friend tells me that eventually turns out to be a lie.
That's just a low blow, if I've ever had one!

My mother thinks it is better to conceal a truth with a lie...Because often the truth has consequences that effect many innocent people and a lie would keep everything on an even keel. "Don't rock the boat" would be my mother's motto.
I AM NOT LIKE MY MOTHER!
Years ago there was an older man who was a family friend and this man begin making advances, sexual in nature, towards me. I loved his wife deeply as she was not only a dear friend, but a mother figure to me. Once the man started the advances, I stopped visiting his wife because I did not want to take the chance of being anywhere near the man. Once day the wife came to our home where I was living with my parents. She asked me, point blank, if her husband had been making passes at me. I loved the wife and told her the truth...You don't lie to your friends and loved ones! She was upset and angry at her husband...Not at me! After she left, my mother had a conniption fit and berated me because I told the truth. She said I should have lied.
Why? So that he could continue his insulting behavior? Fact is, his wife already knew something was wrong, or why else would she have asked me about it? The couple divorced not too long after...Not because of me, but because I was the first person to tell the wife the truth. The man had been doing far worse than simple passes for years, yet no one would tell the wife the truth until she asked me.
But of course, in my neck of the woods I got the blame!!!

Not long ago a man told another man about the shady dealings of a company the first man had formerly worked for. Due to this, the second man did not renew a hefty contract with the shady dealing company. Unfortunately, the employees of that shady company had their hours and pay cut due to the loss of this lucrative contract. Now the first man is blamed for not lying and for the loss of work suffered by employees of the shady dealing company.
The first man is my Dad...Guess I take after Daddy!

I know that there are consequences for our actions...And I know that speaking the truth is not without risk. But I also know that sometimes it takes a strong and courageous person to set things right, and setting things right often means bringing the light to lies told by others, and it's not always pleasant. But at the end of the day, when I lay myself down to sleep I can rest peacefully knowing that I told the truth.
Besides, if you strive to be honest and always speak the truth, it is so much easier to remember...And I believe that GOD rewards us for being honest.

So, if you want my friendship you need to be ready to accept that fact that I'm not going to lie to you...And you had best not lie to me!
While I have the honesty thing going well for me, GOD and I are still working vehemently on my temper:)
Be blessed and be truthful!