Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here I go again...Depression

In my garden of life, I think I will call "Depression" crab grass. No matter how hard I try to kill it off, it sneaks back in with a vengeance and disrupts the entire production of my garden.

So, here I go again...Just about the time I think I'm stable and doing okay, life strikes and I find myself falling into this horrendous state of depression. Unlike many people, my depression exhibits itself through frustration, agitation, pessimism, hunger, anger, tantrums and rage. Rarely have I ever been a depressed "cryer" or someone who sleeps away the days...But I'm sure my family would prefer I was!

Anyway, the triggers this time are:
1). The Inability to sale my property and get away from here. I finally took it off the market last night. The one asset we have and we can't use it! No realtor will touch it, no one wants it and we seem to be forever stuck with it. My child can not be a part of any extra-curricular activities at school, can not be a part of a Sunday school class because his abusers have close ties within the churches and school system here. I can no longer be outside tending my garden because I've grown so allergic. If something terrible were to happen to my husband, I would definitely lose this place...There are no job opportunities here for me and the overhead and upkeep are just too much. To make matters worse, I have to listen to everyone who HAS sold their home and who ARE buying new homes tell me all about GOD's WILL. I find myself asking GOD, "SO was it your will that my child was abused? Or am I such a terrible person that I deserve all of this?" ( Our holier than thou family members would say YES to this as in their opinion, God only blesses the GOOD people...meaning them, of course!)
2). My weight and my looks.
Pretty petty, huh?
Well, there was a time when I was pretty and in good shape, slender and in excellent health. Those days are gone. I'm obese, arthritic...a BIG reason why I'm obese...and I cook really GOOD! My allergies and asthma keep me indoor bound a large part of the year, and when I can get outside, there is no where to walk or hike or even ride a bike. I am just plain fat and ugly and I HATE it!
3). My kids...I love them, but they drive me insane with worry. I haven't spoken to one since Christmas Day...His excuse is that he doesn't like to talk on the telephone. Bullshit! I'm raising his oldest child...He could at least call to check on his son from time to time...Before Christmas 2008, I spoke to him December 26th, 2007! Another kid is going through a divorce. Another kid is only 23 and having health issues that scare me, but he doesn't get medical care. The fourth refuses to get rid of her non-working, bumming boyfriend and is forever bleeding me for money. And finally, the baby won't listen to a word a say, or if he does listen he constantly mocks me and makes fun of me. When I discipline him, then he gets all sweet and apologetic...and ten minutes later he's back to his old self.

And, so, it is the last day of April 2009 and I am depressed.
What a wonderful way to start the spring.

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