Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Giving up...

Tonight I feel like giving up.
I'm not sure what saddens me more...The realization that a dream won't come true, or the fact that I'm forced to give up?
I've spent 22 months chasing a dream, hoping and praying for it to happen and then suddenly I find that it was all for naught...It'll never happen.
My dream wasn't entirely selfish, either. I was hoping to benefit others as well.

I wonder where GOD is in all of this. From what I'm told, it's all in HIS will...Just like the rapes and assaults of little children, the sickness and deaths of mothers and fathers, abusive spouses, all of the other bad crap that happens in this world.
Sometimes I really wonder just how it is that man can be so presumptuous that he thinks he knows everything about GOD's will.
I wonder if GOD ever feels like giving up???

I am just so tired of this life. I am so tired of all the bullshit involved in this life. I'm tired of all the preaching I'm getting from others, when in fact all I need is a warm hug and maybe even a tear of compassion.
I have a bible. I've read it. I know what it says. I've experienced Jesus and His saving power...I don't need anyone preaching condemnation to me or trying to explain the workings of a GOD no human has ever fully understood.

All I know, as I sit here writing this, is that my dream appears to have been murdered and I think I am in mourning. I doubt that I'll have the courage and the energy to attempt another.
Giving up is hard for me, but I resign myself to get on with it and get it over with.

I'm just so damned tired.

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