On August 10th, 2007, my young, beautiful, talented, wonderful cousin was found shot to death in her bathroom in her apartment in Austin, Texas. The coroner ruled it "Suicide", though her mother...and maybe myself...don't agree.
Her mother had her cremated and the last I heard, is still carrying her ashes around...Keeping Karen close to her in death as she kept her close in life.
I hadn't seen Karen for years...Our families lived far apart. Sadly, it was only after she died that I was given her personal website to view and that's when I discovered that she and I were so much alike it was scary. Unlike Karen, I do not paint...But only because I've not had the opportunity. I've always wanted to, but raising a family has taken precedence over hobbies for so long that it will take work for me to initiate that part of my life.
However, it was in her "blogs" that I discovered how similar we were and how erily our minds worked once we begin to write. I found a young woman who was not some shallow air head eager to be seen and heard, but a woman who was deep in thought, fluent in language and who made her mark simply by being herself without thought or care to the rest of the world. I found her to be a woman with a beautiful soul who observed the world through magnifying glasses...She knew what was real and she was a tough survivor.
Only after I read her blogs did I agree with her mother...She certainly did not seem like a woman who would take her own life.
But, her words, read by me after her death, will forever leave an impression on my heart and because of them, I decided to create my own blog.
You see, Karen's words just were not enough...There were not enough of them...I read them and wanted more so that maybe, somehow, someway, I could get to know her better.
I wanted more of her than just the 31 years she lived on this earth...And I can fully understand why her mother kept, perhaps still keeps, Karen's ashes close to her.
And, so, I created my own blog because I want my kids and my friends and my relatives to truly know me...My deepest thoughts, the things that make me laugh, the things that piss me off, the things that make me cry. Why I feel certain ways, why I do certain things, and how I choose to deal with MY depression, disappointments and discouragements.
And maybe one day they'll read back through and say, "She left us enough. Nothing was unfinished."
I miss you, Karen, and I wish you could have stayed around a lot longer. This life can be a real bitch on many days, but some days you open your eyes and see that life is a real BEAUTIFUL gift to have.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Lost
Sometimes I feel so lost...so alone...so unimportant...so ugly...so forgetable.
It hurts to know that deep down you are special, you are important, you are beautiful and you are not alone...Yet when the world tells you otherwise, and the world does this for years, it does begin to wear down your resolve to the point that you begin to believe the world, even when you don't want to. And, even when you still know, deep down, that the world is a place full of liars and people who are jealous and petty. Even then, their words stab into your heart like a brittle blade that leaves jagged, barbed points behind when it is removed...And those barbs dig in and dig deeper, scarring and maiming along the way.
I just wish that this world would allow me to be me without making fun of me, or putting me down, or giving me shit because I'm not like everyone else.
As of today I am 45 years, 6 months and 3 days old. I've been married to the same man for over 21 years. I've birthed three children and raised them all to adulthood, as well as having a serious hand in the raising of a now grown step-daughter. I have three beautiful grandchildren and I am raising the eldest as my own.
And yet I still feel so lost...so alone...so unimportant...so ugly...so forgetable.
It hurts to know that deep down you are special, you are important, you are beautiful and you are not alone...Yet when the world tells you otherwise, and the world does this for years, it does begin to wear down your resolve to the point that you begin to believe the world, even when you don't want to. And, even when you still know, deep down, that the world is a place full of liars and people who are jealous and petty. Even then, their words stab into your heart like a brittle blade that leaves jagged, barbed points behind when it is removed...And those barbs dig in and dig deeper, scarring and maiming along the way.
I just wish that this world would allow me to be me without making fun of me, or putting me down, or giving me shit because I'm not like everyone else.
As of today I am 45 years, 6 months and 3 days old. I've been married to the same man for over 21 years. I've birthed three children and raised them all to adulthood, as well as having a serious hand in the raising of a now grown step-daughter. I have three beautiful grandchildren and I am raising the eldest as my own.
And yet I still feel so lost...so alone...so unimportant...so ugly...so forgetable.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Am I Thankful or Not?
I ask this question of myself because others imply that I am not.
If I make a joke about something, which I do a lot of the time, someone always points out that I should be thankful for such and such, and shouldn't make jokes.
If I have a prayer request from a friend, I'm admonished...I'm told that I should be thankful...in other words, be thankful for the great things and ignore the bad ones???
If I voice a complaint, a worry, a concern, someone is always quick to point out that I should be thankful.
I know the bible tell us that whatever situation we find ourselves in to be content...and thankful. But, does this mean that I'm not thankful if I make a joke about something to help me laugh when it all seems to unlaughable?
Does it mean that I am not thankful if I voice concerns or complaints about the crappy stuff?
I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and I thank God for allowing us to have this house and property. However, it hasn't been all a "wonderful" gift that is free of strings or without headaches. The house is old and despite numerous updates, it is literally making us ill living here. My grandson and I are allergic to the sycamore trees in our yard, as well as the grass in the yard and pastures. The thick east Texas vegetation is NOT our friend and we stay ill more days than well due to the havoc the pollen & mold spores wreak on our bodies. The house itself is constantly in need of serious maintenance and due to it's size, drafts and high ceilings, our utility bills are as much as the mortgage. Which, by the way, we have two of...mortgages, that is! One to MIL and one to a 2nd mortgage we had to get to make serious repairs. By selling this place, we could pay off MIL, the mortgage company and buy us something in a more arid part of the state. Not only that, we could be far away from the area that my grandson was assaulted in and far away from the people who praise his assailant...My grandson was 18 months to 3 years of age when these terrible things happened to him.
I'm thankful for my kids and my grandkids, that thaey are all well and safe. However, it would be nice to hear from them more often.
I'm thankful for my parents and siblings. However, I'm not too thrilled that my parents, after 46 years of crap, are still playing games with their marriage. I'm not thrilled, either, that my brothers never make any contact with me when I in fact had a serious hand in getting them all raised.
I'm thankful that after battling cancer since 2001, my Dad is still alive and still functioning. However, he's still battling these aggressive skin cancers and is terribly disfigured. His surgeries, laser treatments, etc. will be ongoing until he passes away as there is no cure for him and he has no skin that doesn't have cancer cells. He's on so much expensive medication and living in so much pain, that I can't help but be angry for all he's going through.
I'm thankful that we have food to fill our bellies and clothes to cover our bodies, and I'm thankful that we have many wonderful gadgets and gizmos to make our lives easier and more entertaining. But you know, even with all of that, it still pisses me off when people are rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate and just flat mean to me or my family for no reason other than they feel themselves superior.
And it pisses me off when my own in-laws have still never accepted me after over 21 years because I simply live a simple life and do not care for putting on "aires" or kissing anyone's behind.
It pisses me off that after over 18 months, we have still not sold our property and we are still here in this house and we are still getting ill. And, it pisses me off when someone, anyone, says, "Well, there's a reason." OR, "Well, be thankful you even have a house."
Well, HELL! I KNOW there is a reason! I'm not an idiot.
I AM thankful we have a roof over our heads...I'm just not to thrilled about another "sick" day because I live here!!!
So, Am I Thankful or Not?
I would have to answer "YES" to both!
And, maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell the other people to kiss my ass.
If I make a joke about something, which I do a lot of the time, someone always points out that I should be thankful for such and such, and shouldn't make jokes.
If I have a prayer request from a friend, I'm admonished...I'm told that I should be thankful...in other words, be thankful for the great things and ignore the bad ones???
If I voice a complaint, a worry, a concern, someone is always quick to point out that I should be thankful.
I know the bible tell us that whatever situation we find ourselves in to be content...and thankful. But, does this mean that I'm not thankful if I make a joke about something to help me laugh when it all seems to unlaughable?
Does it mean that I am not thankful if I voice concerns or complaints about the crappy stuff?
I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and I thank God for allowing us to have this house and property. However, it hasn't been all a "wonderful" gift that is free of strings or without headaches. The house is old and despite numerous updates, it is literally making us ill living here. My grandson and I are allergic to the sycamore trees in our yard, as well as the grass in the yard and pastures. The thick east Texas vegetation is NOT our friend and we stay ill more days than well due to the havoc the pollen & mold spores wreak on our bodies. The house itself is constantly in need of serious maintenance and due to it's size, drafts and high ceilings, our utility bills are as much as the mortgage. Which, by the way, we have two of...mortgages, that is! One to MIL and one to a 2nd mortgage we had to get to make serious repairs. By selling this place, we could pay off MIL, the mortgage company and buy us something in a more arid part of the state. Not only that, we could be far away from the area that my grandson was assaulted in and far away from the people who praise his assailant...My grandson was 18 months to 3 years of age when these terrible things happened to him.
I'm thankful for my kids and my grandkids, that thaey are all well and safe. However, it would be nice to hear from them more often.
I'm thankful for my parents and siblings. However, I'm not too thrilled that my parents, after 46 years of crap, are still playing games with their marriage. I'm not thrilled, either, that my brothers never make any contact with me when I in fact had a serious hand in getting them all raised.
I'm thankful that after battling cancer since 2001, my Dad is still alive and still functioning. However, he's still battling these aggressive skin cancers and is terribly disfigured. His surgeries, laser treatments, etc. will be ongoing until he passes away as there is no cure for him and he has no skin that doesn't have cancer cells. He's on so much expensive medication and living in so much pain, that I can't help but be angry for all he's going through.
I'm thankful that we have food to fill our bellies and clothes to cover our bodies, and I'm thankful that we have many wonderful gadgets and gizmos to make our lives easier and more entertaining. But you know, even with all of that, it still pisses me off when people are rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate and just flat mean to me or my family for no reason other than they feel themselves superior.
And it pisses me off when my own in-laws have still never accepted me after over 21 years because I simply live a simple life and do not care for putting on "aires" or kissing anyone's behind.
It pisses me off that after over 18 months, we have still not sold our property and we are still here in this house and we are still getting ill. And, it pisses me off when someone, anyone, says, "Well, there's a reason." OR, "Well, be thankful you even have a house."
Well, HELL! I KNOW there is a reason! I'm not an idiot.
I AM thankful we have a roof over our heads...I'm just not to thrilled about another "sick" day because I live here!!!
So, Am I Thankful or Not?
I would have to answer "YES" to both!
And, maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell the other people to kiss my ass.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
More Thoughts
Today started off as a good day, even though I am on the tail-end of bronchitis. I was feeling better, did the laundry and was doing what I felt like doing, but not over-exerting myself when a noise from outside caused me to look out of the window. There I found the gas company wanting to pull me meter for failure to pay. The problem is, I AM CURRENT and I have proof. I ended up shouting, screaming and using lots of profanity...and they still pulled my meter, right down to calling a constable and a deputy. I wasn't trying to stop them from taking the damned thing and told them to pull it. But they were WRONG and I had proof. Yeah...it was embarrassing. It was also pathetic that it took five grown men, 2 armed, to pull a gas meter from the house of a 45 year old woman with bronchitis and a low grade fever! I went to school to pick my son up and for no reason I started bawling my eyes out. But it wasn't the lack of natural gas at home that caused it. It was my parents' impending divorce. 46 years of marriage and my dad has to be an idiot which pushed Mom too far. I don't blame her and even wonder why she didn't do this 40 years ago. Of course, I know why, but still. Now, my brothers and I are stuck in the middle...and we are all adults! If we were kids then we wouldn't have a choice or even a say, but now that we are grown we will have to make a choice. It just ain't fair. I was on the end of my crying jag when a man pulled through the parent pick-up line, just like he does every afternoon, in an old Dodge one ton with a flat bed and pulling an old trailer. Today it was an old racket-making gooseneck. It is my opinion and observation that this man hooks up to a trailer every afternoon just to show off in the parent pick-up line, and because apparently having a trailer allows him to park wherever he wills...Unlike the rest of us who unhook from our trailers at home and come to the parent pick-up line without a trailer to wait patiently in line. So this man pulls through, too darned fast, and comes within inches of taking out my front passenger side. But then he sees that he is blocked and lays down on the brakes, blocking anyone behind him who might care to get around. So he sits there, racing his rickety motor and finally kills the engine. He waits a good minute before restarting the engine, throwing it in granny low and pulling forward something like two inches. He stops and slams it in reverse and moves back a foot...He repeats this action a couple of times, as he repositions the trucka nd then suddenly, he peels out and shifts it into 2nd...the trailer, which is not following in the paths of the truck tires, veers too far to the left, jumps a curb, runs over a four foot high red tip photinia tree and bounces behind him as he flies out of the parking lot, jumping the speed bumps a few feet on down. It was the awfullest bunch of racket I've heard and everyone in the parking lot was looking at him like he was crazy, especially the woman who was crawling out of her brand new SUV that was parked next to the red tips! She had no damage, which was good for the man. And I got tickled and I started to laugh! What the guy did was WRONG, I mean, we were in a school zone! But it was refreshing to see that I am not the only one with a trigger-temper, even though he was wrong in his driving and I was right in my anger toward the gas company. I came home and fired out two fact based, sarcasm filled letter to the gas company. I hope they all choke on natural gas fumes and manage to stick that meter where the sun don't shine! Ah, what a day.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Believing
The past year has been hard as I struggled with my faith in God, faith in myself and a belief system that had seemingly gone awry. Though I never gave up my belief in God, I did wobble on my belief that things would eventually work out for the best.
There are days when I look back over this past year and it seems as if I'm standing in the distant and looking back into someone else's life. It also feels as if I've been dead...Or at the very least, comatose. It is so unreal...So lost...So still...
I'm not sure what work God has been doing in my, but I do know that He has never left me, never forsaken me, never once forgotten about me...Even when I've been angry with Him, shook my fists heavenward and loudly voiced EXACTLY how I've felt about things, including Him. But just like I do when my own children say hurtful things to me out of anger and pain, I know that God probably shed a tear, sent out a blessing and totally understood the things that I didin't understand myself.
God is good, like that...He is the role model for every single person who has ever given birth, created and/or adopted a child...
As parents, we claim that we are given NO instruction manuel for raising kids, but that is probably the greatest lie ever told! We ARE given an instruction manuel...It's called The Holy Bible. Little wonder the WORD tells us repeatedly to "get to know God" and "seek God in all things"...It is in leanring who God really is, developing a deep relationship with the God who loves us all, that we learn how to raise our kids...How to parent...How to live this life that isn't always neat and pretty.
And this leads me to another very sad observation...
Late at night I read up on people all over the globe because I am bored and because I am fascinated. However, I've become not only saddened, but utterly horrified at the number of people in the public eye who do not believe in God, do not believe in Jesus and who do not believe in any thing!
How can that be? I do not understand how anyone can live in this world and not believe in anything.
It distresses me when I read about people who have died young deaths and who seemed to have so much going for them before their deaths, and yet their own words have been recorded as saying things like, "I don't believe in Jesus." and "I don't believe in God."
How can anyone live like that? Maybe they can't...Maybe that is why they didn't last long on this earth.
I just know for certain that there IS a force greater than I; a force greater than I can even imagine...And without that being, my GOD and His Son Jesus, I would not be here today.
The Spirit reminds me of all the times that God has rescued me, rewarded me and brought things to pass that no one, but me, believed would ever materialize.
I pray that I am ever mindful of these past blessings so that my faith might remain strong during times of trial.
To GOD be THE Glory!
There are days when I look back over this past year and it seems as if I'm standing in the distant and looking back into someone else's life. It also feels as if I've been dead...Or at the very least, comatose. It is so unreal...So lost...So still...
I'm not sure what work God has been doing in my, but I do know that He has never left me, never forsaken me, never once forgotten about me...Even when I've been angry with Him, shook my fists heavenward and loudly voiced EXACTLY how I've felt about things, including Him. But just like I do when my own children say hurtful things to me out of anger and pain, I know that God probably shed a tear, sent out a blessing and totally understood the things that I didin't understand myself.
God is good, like that...He is the role model for every single person who has ever given birth, created and/or adopted a child...
As parents, we claim that we are given NO instruction manuel for raising kids, but that is probably the greatest lie ever told! We ARE given an instruction manuel...It's called The Holy Bible. Little wonder the WORD tells us repeatedly to "get to know God" and "seek God in all things"...It is in leanring who God really is, developing a deep relationship with the God who loves us all, that we learn how to raise our kids...How to parent...How to live this life that isn't always neat and pretty.
And this leads me to another very sad observation...
Late at night I read up on people all over the globe because I am bored and because I am fascinated. However, I've become not only saddened, but utterly horrified at the number of people in the public eye who do not believe in God, do not believe in Jesus and who do not believe in any thing!
How can that be? I do not understand how anyone can live in this world and not believe in anything.
It distresses me when I read about people who have died young deaths and who seemed to have so much going for them before their deaths, and yet their own words have been recorded as saying things like, "I don't believe in Jesus." and "I don't believe in God."
How can anyone live like that? Maybe they can't...Maybe that is why they didn't last long on this earth.
I just know for certain that there IS a force greater than I; a force greater than I can even imagine...And without that being, my GOD and His Son Jesus, I would not be here today.
The Spirit reminds me of all the times that God has rescued me, rewarded me and brought things to pass that no one, but me, believed would ever materialize.
I pray that I am ever mindful of these past blessings so that my faith might remain strong during times of trial.
To GOD be THE Glory!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A dream
Cloudless days,
star-lit nights,
a steady breeze
across my skin...
As I lie back
and watch the skies
move endlessly
above me...
I am but
a small partical
floating steadily
through this life...
With dreams of quiet
serenity,
laughter, love
and joy.
A voice beckons
from a distant place,
"Come home, little one,
come home to me."
"I'm coming,"
I say,
But patience
is my enemy...
It steals my peace,
my joy and hope,
and anger
dwells within me.
"Be still," it says,
"trust in
the ONE
that sustains you."
I'm trying,
my Lord,
I'm trying...
I'm standing...
I'm waiting...
I'm ready...
I want to come Home!
star-lit nights,
a steady breeze
across my skin...
As I lie back
and watch the skies
move endlessly
above me...
I am but
a small partical
floating steadily
through this life...
With dreams of quiet
serenity,
laughter, love
and joy.
A voice beckons
from a distant place,
"Come home, little one,
come home to me."
"I'm coming,"
I say,
But patience
is my enemy...
It steals my peace,
my joy and hope,
and anger
dwells within me.
"Be still," it says,
"trust in
the ONE
that sustains you."
I'm trying,
my Lord,
I'm trying...
I'm standing...
I'm waiting...
I'm ready...
I want to come Home!
A flower
A flower...That is Logan. A small, wonderful, beautiful little flower that threatens to be the most magnificent bloom in the garden!
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
