Cloudless days,
star-lit nights,
a steady breeze
across my skin...
As I lie back
and watch the skies
move endlessly
above me...
I am but
a small partical
floating steadily
through this life...
With dreams of quiet
serenity,
laughter, love
and joy.
A voice beckons
from a distant place,
"Come home, little one,
come home to me."
"I'm coming,"
I say,
But patience
is my enemy...
It steals my peace,
my joy and hope,
and anger
dwells within me.
"Be still," it says,
"trust in
the ONE
that sustains you."
I'm trying,
my Lord,
I'm trying...
I'm standing...
I'm waiting...
I'm ready...
I want to come Home!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A flower
A flower...That is Logan. A small, wonderful, beautiful little flower that threatens to be the most magnificent bloom in the garden!
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
Weeds!
Weeds! That is exactly what my life seems to be filled with at the moment. Weeds. Oh, how I would love to have flowers, bursting forth with beauty and heavenly aromas...Or fruits...Hanging from the branches of trees, ripe for the picking and sweet, oh so sweet, to the lips.
Instead, I'm overwhelmed with weeds.
We put our house up for sale on the internet last July 2007. We wnet a few months without any interest, so I listed with a realtor. A combative bitch, she turned out to be! Much like my mother...If there was an error, a misjudgement, a poor decision in the listing, it was MY fault. if we had recieved no interest in the property, that was MY fault. She was perfect, a creature unique to the earth. So, when her contract was up in April, I promptly fired her ass and hired another realtor. This one was certain he could get the property sold, but for a much reduced price...He listed it over $50,000. below what the former realtor had listed it. It also took him a month to get it published on his website, and will be another 2-3 weeks before it's published out of county! Then he tells me about two weeks ago that "maybe you should consider reducing the price". I wanted to scream, "Screw You!"
So, here we sit...in this much to large a house, with at least three rooms we never use, a guest house we don't need...as we never have guests...and a yard that takes my husband three afternoons to mow and weed eat a week! We know where we want to be, just can not get this place sold.
Add to this that I'm looking at another year of home schooling and since I'm not good at it and the child is mildly autistic and incredibly ADHD, I'm bordering on severe depression.
I'd really like to have him in public school and be back in church, but there is no where here that we can go. Both the schools and the churches in this area have people that were good friends with his mother and abuser, and I just can not suject he or I to those kinds of people.
I'm also on Medifast to lose weight and have lost 14 pounds since May 3oth, but for the last week I am stuck...not a pound gone in 5 days. The food is horrible and I am so damned hungry! I even bought a pack of cigarettes ten days ago. I haven't opened them or smoked a one, but the desire is there...somedays it's stronger than others.
Add to all of this the allergies...I go outdoors and within minutes I can't breath or start itching. And, I'm on meds 24 hours a day!!!
I just want so badly to be away from here. A new place, a new start, Logan back in school, us back in church, breathing healthier air, being able to get outdoors and enjoy the land.
Patience is not my strong point. I read a quote the other day that suited me perfectly. It read: "Actually, I am a pretty patient person. Just as long as I don't have to wait for anything."
That could have been written by me!
Weeds.
I do hate the weeds.
For the last year and month my life has been overgrown with weeds.
I will be so glad when we can turn this ground under and start fresh.
I guess I could look at my life for the last year and say that it has been a season of fall and winter...Therefore, there will be hope and spring will come...in it's own time.
God help me...I am so discouraged right now.
Instead, I'm overwhelmed with weeds.
We put our house up for sale on the internet last July 2007. We wnet a few months without any interest, so I listed with a realtor. A combative bitch, she turned out to be! Much like my mother...If there was an error, a misjudgement, a poor decision in the listing, it was MY fault. if we had recieved no interest in the property, that was MY fault. She was perfect, a creature unique to the earth. So, when her contract was up in April, I promptly fired her ass and hired another realtor. This one was certain he could get the property sold, but for a much reduced price...He listed it over $50,000. below what the former realtor had listed it. It also took him a month to get it published on his website, and will be another 2-3 weeks before it's published out of county! Then he tells me about two weeks ago that "maybe you should consider reducing the price". I wanted to scream, "Screw You!"
So, here we sit...in this much to large a house, with at least three rooms we never use, a guest house we don't need...as we never have guests...and a yard that takes my husband three afternoons to mow and weed eat a week! We know where we want to be, just can not get this place sold.
Add to this that I'm looking at another year of home schooling and since I'm not good at it and the child is mildly autistic and incredibly ADHD, I'm bordering on severe depression.
I'd really like to have him in public school and be back in church, but there is no where here that we can go. Both the schools and the churches in this area have people that were good friends with his mother and abuser, and I just can not suject he or I to those kinds of people.
I'm also on Medifast to lose weight and have lost 14 pounds since May 3oth, but for the last week I am stuck...not a pound gone in 5 days. The food is horrible and I am so damned hungry! I even bought a pack of cigarettes ten days ago. I haven't opened them or smoked a one, but the desire is there...somedays it's stronger than others.
Add to all of this the allergies...I go outdoors and within minutes I can't breath or start itching. And, I'm on meds 24 hours a day!!!
I just want so badly to be away from here. A new place, a new start, Logan back in school, us back in church, breathing healthier air, being able to get outdoors and enjoy the land.
Patience is not my strong point. I read a quote the other day that suited me perfectly. It read: "Actually, I am a pretty patient person. Just as long as I don't have to wait for anything."
That could have been written by me!
Weeds.
I do hate the weeds.
For the last year and month my life has been overgrown with weeds.
I will be so glad when we can turn this ground under and start fresh.
I guess I could look at my life for the last year and say that it has been a season of fall and winter...Therefore, there will be hope and spring will come...in it's own time.
God help me...I am so discouraged right now.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Checking In
Just checking in! I've tried to post several times since January 17th, but this thing isn't always the most cooperative or permissive!
Anyway, all is well with me and I'm managing to gain footage in the "rut" and will soon be on solid ground:)
The one great gift that God has given me in this life is the gift of resilience. Doesn't matter how far down I crumple, He always sends me a "line", a "light" and "eyes" to see the illumination cast upon that rope of hope that soon pulls me free of myself and my misery.
Thank You, God...My Father and my one True HOPE.
Anyway, all is well with me and I'm managing to gain footage in the "rut" and will soon be on solid ground:)
The one great gift that God has given me in this life is the gift of resilience. Doesn't matter how far down I crumple, He always sends me a "line", a "light" and "eyes" to see the illumination cast upon that rope of hope that soon pulls me free of myself and my misery.
Thank You, God...My Father and my one True HOPE.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ramblings from a depressed mind
I'm not sure what to make of this life I live. I'm not sure what is expected of me, wanted from me or required of me. All I know is that people are cruel and fickle, spiteful and deceptive; back biters and back stabbers. And the majority of these monsters are in churches!
It makes me SICK!
How can a person claim to love God, yet hate his/her brother/sister?
How can a pastor claim to be a pastor if he refuses or neglects to discipline his flock?
A person can be on fire for God, move into a church, work their butts off and then when the person is worn out, sucked dry of all energies, these so-called saints can't wait to turn their backs on the person.
Sort of like they take you in, chew you up and then spit you out without a thought or consideration.
It hurts.
It hurts to see people playing church, week after week, while they live their lives as demons from the very pits of hell.
Little wonder that the Christian movement has so many opponents and is the brunt of many a joke, many a raised eyebrow and many a sneer.
The peculiar thing is that these people live the life of athiest...They may claim to be sincere Christians, but they live their lives as if there is no God, or at least as if they really don't believe there is one!
There is a fine line between loving the sinner where he is at and being a sinner who refuses to admit it.
As I ventured into 2008 I found myself stopping and taking stock of where I am with Christ, and it isn't a good place to be...I'm here and He is not close.
The church body and the Temple of God should be an orderly place where peace reigns and joy springs forth. It should be a place that is reverent to the Almighty, humbled in His presence and a place where Grace abounds.
I want this for my life. I need this in my heart.
I pray for His forgiveness for living a carnal life.
My sin is before me and only His Blood can cleanse and make me whole.
January 17th, 2008
It makes me SICK!
How can a person claim to love God, yet hate his/her brother/sister?
How can a pastor claim to be a pastor if he refuses or neglects to discipline his flock?
A person can be on fire for God, move into a church, work their butts off and then when the person is worn out, sucked dry of all energies, these so-called saints can't wait to turn their backs on the person.
Sort of like they take you in, chew you up and then spit you out without a thought or consideration.
It hurts.
It hurts to see people playing church, week after week, while they live their lives as demons from the very pits of hell.
Little wonder that the Christian movement has so many opponents and is the brunt of many a joke, many a raised eyebrow and many a sneer.
The peculiar thing is that these people live the life of athiest...They may claim to be sincere Christians, but they live their lives as if there is no God, or at least as if they really don't believe there is one!
There is a fine line between loving the sinner where he is at and being a sinner who refuses to admit it.
As I ventured into 2008 I found myself stopping and taking stock of where I am with Christ, and it isn't a good place to be...I'm here and He is not close.
The church body and the Temple of God should be an orderly place where peace reigns and joy springs forth. It should be a place that is reverent to the Almighty, humbled in His presence and a place where Grace abounds.
I want this for my life. I need this in my heart.
I pray for His forgiveness for living a carnal life.
My sin is before me and only His Blood can cleanse and make me whole.
January 17th, 2008
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
December 12th, 2007
This weather and the lack of direct sunlight have me feeling gloomy and down, claustrophobic and generally unhappy.
I'll be so glad when April gets here!
I'll be so glad when we get a buyer for this house.
I'll be so glad when I can feel happy again.
I'll be so glad when April gets here!
I'll be so glad when we get a buyer for this house.
I'll be so glad when I can feel happy again.
December 11, 2007
If I can hold on to my sanity,
If I can keep my grip on this dream,
Maybe I can get this life here figured out
By the time my life on earth is done.
My dreams are all I have
As I travel this treacherous path...
They keep me hoping with all my heart
for a glimpse of that vague promise of eternal light.
If I can keep my grip on this dream,
Maybe I can get this life here figured out
By the time my life on earth is done.
My dreams are all I have
As I travel this treacherous path...
They keep me hoping with all my heart
for a glimpse of that vague promise of eternal light.
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