Jumping Hurdles

WOW! I reread my blog from last night and have to agree with the old folks who used to say..."Sleep on it. You'll wake up feeling better in the morning."
Yep! I have to agree.
Of course, this is the norm for me...As it is with any manic-depressive and/or bi-polar sufferer...Up one minute, down the next and then up again.
Doctor prescribed drugs? Forget it! Tried them, didn't like them & I stopped. Truth is, I would rather FEEL life and EXPERIENCE life with a clear head, even the downs, than be so medicated that I go through life looking through rose colored glasses and never truly feeling anything. I enjoy laughing and I can cry like a baby; I am loud when I'm happy and I'm louder when I'm not...But I'm me, 100%!
Besides, if GOD can heal the sick, give sight to the blind, raise a dead man to life, I believe HE can either heal my manic-depression or show me how to live a productive life with it!

And so I arrive at my topic for today...Jumping hurdles.

When I was about 13 I attended Hardin High School in Hardin, Texas. I didn't take Athletics because we lived something like 45 minutes away and the travel back and forth to school for extracurricular activities was completely unacceptable to my mother. So, I took P.E. and for the most part, hated it.
Actually, in my entire Jr. High and High School Career, I managed to regularly FAIL P.E.! The only thing I found fun about P.E. was that it often allowed my friends and I to smoke cigarettes and talk about sex & boys while we walked the track or hid out in the locker rooms. I hated softball, basketball and dodge ball...But I loved baseball, volley ball and track. Could never get enough of these.
In the early spring of my 13th year, our P.E. coach decided that we would run track, do the long jump and so forth. It actually turned out to be much fun for a little while, and a little freaky.
One day a classmate was doing the long jump and the rest of us were waiting our turns. She ran, jumped and just as she hit the sandbox, we all heard a sickening crack...She'd broken her femur halfway between the hip and knee! It was pitifully exciting as we all had to stand around while the ambulance was called and listen to her pain filled wails.
Anyway, along about this time, we had to run track and jump hurdles. I had never been a fast runner and didn't even know I could jump over hurdles...But one day I decided to give it a shot...And I was GOOD! I cleared every hurdle without so much as touching even one. No one had shown me how...I just ran up to it, jumped it and ran to the next.
The feeling was euphoric! Thirty-two years later I still smile at the memory. It was absolutely AWESOME, back then it was SUPER COOL!
My adrenaline was pumping so high that once I'd finished the run, I ran back up the track and did it all over again. For several days I actually looked forward to P.E., the first and last time that ever happened! I never touched a single hurdle in all those jumps.
But the last day I ever jumped hurdles, I was on my second run when the coach yelled at me to stop. He then begin to explain that I was jumping the hurdles wrong and showed me "how" I was supposed to jump them. I argued with him, because I am an arguer, and I told him that I couldn't do it his way. He became angry with me...I still have that effect on a large majority of the population...I asked him why it mattered? (I was in P.E., not Athletics and I was being physically active.)His face got red and he cursed...In the 70's teachers could curse without fear of losing their jobs.
So, I catered to his will and did as he both showed and told me to do...And on the first hurdle, doing it the "right way" permanently injured my back, as well as knocking the hurdle over as I fell! I pulled muscles that, to this day, will still go into spasms and render me incapable of walking without intense pain.
I have never been able to jump another hurdle!

In my life I have found that I truly am my best adviser and usually, my best friend. Oh, sure, I can be my own worst enemy if I don't control my temper or impatience. But when it comes to making decisions and "jumping hurdles", I have found that following my own heart always works out for the best. Following someone else's advise has very often gotten me into much trouble, caused me much heartache and left me with years of remorse and regret.
I am safest and happiest being my unconventional self and making my own unconventional decisions and jumping all of life's hurdles in my very own unconventional way.
I'm sure that the way I do things is not acceptable to the general population, but truth is, I DON'T CARE!
I'm not running for any political office or trying to win any popularity contests. I'm just getting through each day, jumping over each hurdle and trying to make it to the end of the track by following my own heart.

And disappointments? You bet! They are everywhere. But every time I do come up against a hurdle that seems too high to clear, I keep trying. I may fall and be bruised, battered and maybe even bloody, but I am determined and though tired, I will not stop. I may have to go back a dozen times to get another running start at it, but one of these days I know that I'll either clear that sucker or knock the damned thing over and head on to the next hurdle.
But I must persist in my own way, strange as it might seem.

In the bible Jesus tells a parable about a widow. Luke 18: 1-8. You can read it for yourself, but the jest of it is that this widow did not give up. She was persistent and devoted to her cause, and eventually she got what she had been asking for. She didn't do it the way others might, but she followed her own heart and was eventually heard.
She kept running at that hurdle and eventually she cleared it!

My advise to you and myself is to always follow your heart...If you have Jesus living there, you'll never go wrong. Do not become complacent or lazy and do not give up. You can rest and regroup, but keep pressing on.

Hurdles are made to be jumped and very often, obstacles are just GOD's way of challenging you to persist.
Just remember...You do not have to do anything the way someone else thinks you should...Chances are, that person couldn't clear a snail!

GOD's mercy and strength do abound, and my cup runneth over with HIS blessings.

Giving up...

Tonight I feel like giving up.
I'm not sure what saddens me more...The realization that a dream won't come true, or the fact that I'm forced to give up?
I've spent 22 months chasing a dream, hoping and praying for it to happen and then suddenly I find that it was all for naught...It'll never happen.
My dream wasn't entirely selfish, either. I was hoping to benefit others as well.

I wonder where GOD is in all of this. From what I'm told, it's all in HIS will...Just like the rapes and assaults of little children, the sickness and deaths of mothers and fathers, abusive spouses, all of the other bad crap that happens in this world.
Sometimes I really wonder just how it is that man can be so presumptuous that he thinks he knows everything about GOD's will.
I wonder if GOD ever feels like giving up???

I am just so tired of this life. I am so tired of all the bullshit involved in this life. I'm tired of all the preaching I'm getting from others, when in fact all I need is a warm hug and maybe even a tear of compassion.
I have a bible. I've read it. I know what it says. I've experienced Jesus and His saving power...I don't need anyone preaching condemnation to me or trying to explain the workings of a GOD no human has ever fully understood.

All I know, as I sit here writing this, is that my dream appears to have been murdered and I think I am in mourning. I doubt that I'll have the courage and the energy to attempt another.
Giving up is hard for me, but I resign myself to get on with it and get it over with.

I'm just so damned tired.

Here I go again...Depression

In my garden of life, I think I will call "Depression" crab grass. No matter how hard I try to kill it off, it sneaks back in with a vengeance and disrupts the entire production of my garden.

So, here I go again...Just about the time I think I'm stable and doing okay, life strikes and I find myself falling into this horrendous state of depression. Unlike many people, my depression exhibits itself through frustration, agitation, pessimism, hunger, anger, tantrums and rage. Rarely have I ever been a depressed "cryer" or someone who sleeps away the days...But I'm sure my family would prefer I was!

Anyway, the triggers this time are:
1). The Inability to sale my property and get away from here. I finally took it off the market last night. The one asset we have and we can't use it! No realtor will touch it, no one wants it and we seem to be forever stuck with it. My child can not be a part of any extra-curricular activities at school, can not be a part of a Sunday school class because his abusers have close ties within the churches and school system here. I can no longer be outside tending my garden because I've grown so allergic. If something terrible were to happen to my husband, I would definitely lose this place...There are no job opportunities here for me and the overhead and upkeep are just too much. To make matters worse, I have to listen to everyone who HAS sold their home and who ARE buying new homes tell me all about GOD's WILL. I find myself asking GOD, "SO was it your will that my child was abused? Or am I such a terrible person that I deserve all of this?" ( Our holier than thou family members would say YES to this as in their opinion, God only blesses the GOOD people...meaning them, of course!)
2). My weight and my looks.
Pretty petty, huh?
Well, there was a time when I was pretty and in good shape, slender and in excellent health. Those days are gone. I'm obese, arthritic...a BIG reason why I'm obese...and I cook really GOOD! My allergies and asthma keep me indoor bound a large part of the year, and when I can get outside, there is no where to walk or hike or even ride a bike. I am just plain fat and ugly and I HATE it!
3). My kids...I love them, but they drive me insane with worry. I haven't spoken to one since Christmas Day...His excuse is that he doesn't like to talk on the telephone. Bullshit! I'm raising his oldest child...He could at least call to check on his son from time to time...Before Christmas 2008, I spoke to him December 26th, 2007! Another kid is going through a divorce. Another kid is only 23 and having health issues that scare me, but he doesn't get medical care. The fourth refuses to get rid of her non-working, bumming boyfriend and is forever bleeding me for money. And finally, the baby won't listen to a word a say, or if he does listen he constantly mocks me and makes fun of me. When I discipline him, then he gets all sweet and apologetic...and ten minutes later he's back to his old self.

And, so, it is the last day of April 2009 and I am depressed.
What a wonderful way to start the spring.

Why do people lie?

Why do people lie?
What a great, yet unanswerable, question.
I am an open book...It is the way I try to live my life. After all, I know that there is a GOD and I know that HE watches everything I do, every second of my existence, and there is nothing that I can hide from My FATHER in HEAVEN. HIS judgement of me, and HIS approval and/or disapproval of me is something I fear...Maybe not as much as I should, but enough to keep me forever watching myself.
Therefore, if I can not hide from HIM and I can not lie to HIM, why on earth would I seek to lie to people who do not control my eternity...and where it will be spent? And, yet it is with great concern that I watch and listen to people who, on a daily basis, lie about all kinds of things...some silly, some very serious...And these very people claim to be Christians, claim to love and know GOD.
How can that be?
How can a person know GOD and then turn around and lie to their friends and family?
Do they think they are hiding something, that perhaps GOD won't see? DO they really think that lying doesn't count in the grand scheme of things?
As for me, I would rather have no friends than have friends that lie to me...I don't care if it's just because they are wanting sympathy, or wanting me to take their sides, or just wanting to have a reason to talk...(gossip!).
Truth is, I don't have the time or the energy to listen to and maybe be upset over something a friend tells me that eventually turns out to be a lie.
That's just a low blow, if I've ever had one!

My mother thinks it is better to conceal a truth with a lie...Because often the truth has consequences that effect many innocent people and a lie would keep everything on an even keel. "Don't rock the boat" would be my mother's motto.
I AM NOT LIKE MY MOTHER!
Years ago there was an older man who was a family friend and this man begin making advances, sexual in nature, towards me. I loved his wife deeply as she was not only a dear friend, but a mother figure to me. Once the man started the advances, I stopped visiting his wife because I did not want to take the chance of being anywhere near the man. Once day the wife came to our home where I was living with my parents. She asked me, point blank, if her husband had been making passes at me. I loved the wife and told her the truth...You don't lie to your friends and loved ones! She was upset and angry at her husband...Not at me! After she left, my mother had a conniption fit and berated me because I told the truth. She said I should have lied.
Why? So that he could continue his insulting behavior? Fact is, his wife already knew something was wrong, or why else would she have asked me about it? The couple divorced not too long after...Not because of me, but because I was the first person to tell the wife the truth. The man had been doing far worse than simple passes for years, yet no one would tell the wife the truth until she asked me.
But of course, in my neck of the woods I got the blame!!!

Not long ago a man told another man about the shady dealings of a company the first man had formerly worked for. Due to this, the second man did not renew a hefty contract with the shady dealing company. Unfortunately, the employees of that shady company had their hours and pay cut due to the loss of this lucrative contract. Now the first man is blamed for not lying and for the loss of work suffered by employees of the shady dealing company.
The first man is my Dad...Guess I take after Daddy!

I know that there are consequences for our actions...And I know that speaking the truth is not without risk. But I also know that sometimes it takes a strong and courageous person to set things right, and setting things right often means bringing the light to lies told by others, and it's not always pleasant. But at the end of the day, when I lay myself down to sleep I can rest peacefully knowing that I told the truth.
Besides, if you strive to be honest and always speak the truth, it is so much easier to remember...And I believe that GOD rewards us for being honest.

So, if you want my friendship you need to be ready to accept that fact that I'm not going to lie to you...And you had best not lie to me!
While I have the honesty thing going well for me, GOD and I are still working vehemently on my temper:)
Be blessed and be truthful!

Is spring finally coming???

I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted!
Looking back over the past few months it certainly feels like I've been living through a deep, dark and cold winter.
My dearest and sweetest neighbor passed away January 5th. We buried her on January 10th. On January 11th, my step-granny passed away and we buried her January 13th.
Our neighbor said he wanted to buy our property...that was in early October 2008...but he was going through a divorce and it would be after that was finalized. He said a few weeks. At Christmas we took a vacation and found a house my husband loved...and I was okay with. January rolled around and the neighbor said he'd be over here to look at the place and make a final decision the end of January, first weekend of February.
It is now the middle of March and we've yet to see him...except across the pasture!
I increased the price of our property March 1rst and have it listed on LandsofTexas.com...I'm not going with these piss-ant realtors here because all they want is a quick sale, a huge commission and they don't do anything more than I'm doing myself.
I've just about decided that we aren't ever going to get this place sold unless we give it away...and that ain't happening!
But, for some reason that just isn't bothering me like it would have even a month ago. I guess that some things just aren't meant to be for people like me.
Tomorrow we'll be going back to the church I love so dearly, but haven't attended in almost two years. I've looked at other churches in the area, but none were what we wanted or needed...and none were "home" like my old church. I'll just have to refuse to do anything...I got burnt out from doing too much and having too much criticism before...And I'll have to remember that no one is perfect...Not even myself!
And I am going to do something about this weight! I have had enough of being obese and unhealthy and have even been diagnosed hypertensive recently.
Little wonder since I'm a strong Type A personality with a strong Type A$$-H@le Temper!
I really need to not only stop and smell the flowers, but plant some new ones as well!
So I wonder if a season of spring is where my life is now headed?
I was ill for four months...allergies, sinusitis, flu and cold...But I'm doing great now. Since March 1rst, I just feel GOOD and for no particular reason.
Last week the temps got up in the lower 80's and I found myself outside weeding flower beds, transplanting bulbs and shrubs and enjoying the blooms of the Camelia, Carolina Jasmine and Irises. They were beautiful and it was so wonderful to get my hands dirty. It was even nice to sweat and get a little sun burn on my face!
I can only hope new and beautiful things are in my future...I'm really tired of the old and the dead.

Karen Beasley

On August 10th, 2007, my young, beautiful, talented, wonderful cousin was found shot to death in her bathroom in her apartment in Austin, Texas. The coroner ruled it "Suicide", though her mother...and maybe myself...don't agree.
Her mother had her cremated and the last I heard, is still carrying her ashes around...Keeping Karen close to her in death as she kept her close in life.
I hadn't seen Karen for years...Our families lived far apart. Sadly, it was only after she died that I was given her personal website to view and that's when I discovered that she and I were so much alike it was scary. Unlike Karen, I do not paint...But only because I've not had the opportunity. I've always wanted to, but raising a family has taken precedence over hobbies for so long that it will take work for me to initiate that part of my life.
However, it was in her "blogs" that I discovered how similar we were and how erily our minds worked once we begin to write. I found a young woman who was not some shallow air head eager to be seen and heard, but a woman who was deep in thought, fluent in language and who made her mark simply by being herself without thought or care to the rest of the world. I found her to be a woman with a beautiful soul who observed the world through magnifying glasses...She knew what was real and she was a tough survivor.
Only after I read her blogs did I agree with her mother...She certainly did not seem like a woman who would take her own life.
But, her words, read by me after her death, will forever leave an impression on my heart and because of them, I decided to create my own blog.
You see, Karen's words just were not enough...There were not enough of them...I read them and wanted more so that maybe, somehow, someway, I could get to know her better.
I wanted more of her than just the 31 years she lived on this earth...And I can fully understand why her mother kept, perhaps still keeps, Karen's ashes close to her.
And, so, I created my own blog because I want my kids and my friends and my relatives to truly know me...My deepest thoughts, the things that make me laugh, the things that piss me off, the things that make me cry. Why I feel certain ways, why I do certain things, and how I choose to deal with MY depression, disappointments and discouragements.
And maybe one day they'll read back through and say, "She left us enough. Nothing was unfinished."
I miss you, Karen, and I wish you could have stayed around a lot longer. This life can be a real bitch on many days, but some days you open your eyes and see that life is a real BEAUTIFUL gift to have.

Lost

Sometimes I feel so lost...so alone...so unimportant...so ugly...so forgetable.
It hurts to know that deep down you are special, you are important, you are beautiful and you are not alone...Yet when the world tells you otherwise, and the world does this for years, it does begin to wear down your resolve to the point that you begin to believe the world, even when you don't want to. And, even when you still know, deep down, that the world is a place full of liars and people who are jealous and petty. Even then, their words stab into your heart like a brittle blade that leaves jagged, barbed points behind when it is removed...And those barbs dig in and dig deeper, scarring and maiming along the way.

I just wish that this world would allow me to be me without making fun of me, or putting me down, or giving me shit because I'm not like everyone else.

As of today I am 45 years, 6 months and 3 days old. I've been married to the same man for over 21 years. I've birthed three children and raised them all to adulthood, as well as having a serious hand in the raising of a now grown step-daughter. I have three beautiful grandchildren and I am raising the eldest as my own.
And yet I still feel so lost...so alone...so unimportant...so ugly...so forgetable.