Random thoughts

October 13th, 2021

Well, here I am, making another entry, 15 months later! So much has happened since last I was here, and it would take me forever to write it all down.

The bat virus, being out of work for 10 months, traveling to Arizona and living there for three months, coming back to Texas to work for the shittiest company ever through the new year, getting a much better job, tackling some pretty tough health issues, selling our ranch, and now having our little house for sale in hopes that we can buy a better house, smaller property, within an hour of work. 

2020 and 2021 have been horrible years for this world and this country! Our founding fathers would have rallied the troops and ousted all the thieving, lying, hate-filled politicians, so-called journalists, and hung every single lobbyist and traitor! And, this country would be all the better for it!

I don't understand how so many people are blinded by these false prophets and frauds. But, I guess if you offer lazy, simple minded people enough free shit, they'll bend to your will and praise you like brain dead zombies. 

Most of us want to be left alone, allowed to make our own decisions about our own bodies, allowed to work and earn our paychecks without being taxed on what we've earned, taxed on every damned thing we buy with money we've already been taxed on, and repeatedly taxed on things we've already paid for, again, and again, and again. We'd love to have good, solid healthcare without government involvement, and we'd like for the government to not make it so easy for women to use abortion as birth control, then tell us we're wrong for raging against late term and partial birth murders of innocent babies. We'd like for the world to realize that terminating a pregnancy is not about a 'woman's right to choose' alone, and that the unborn child is human as well as the woman carrying it. We'd like for our goods to be made in America by American hands and skills. We'd love for our military, both past and present, to be treated with the utmost respect and care, and we'd love for our Veteran's Administration to be overhauled completely and staffed with only the BEST medical personnel available in the states. We'd like to be treated as if we were truly important and not classified as a damned vote and source of income for greedy politicians who've never truly worked a day in their lives. We'd love strict term limits on every politician in every branch of government, from local all the way to Washington D.C., and their financial portfolios should be made PUBLIC the entire time they hold office. We'd like for our public schools to do better and abolish the Teacher's Unions across the country. 

But, all of that is just a dream, I'm sure, because no one has 'cajones' anymore. Oh, we had a guy who was trying, and our country was resembling the country before the bleeding heart hippies came about. But, he was 'too' transparent, too honest, too much of a true visionary, and he hurt a lot of pathetic whiney people's feelings. 

All I can think of is this:

A lot of people are going to realize too late that GOD is the one in charge and there will be a reckoning. 

God help us, equip us, strengthen us, protect us, and bless us in this midst of a country more like the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah and inhabited by the spawns of satan! 

This Day

This day...
Had to see a doctor today and she was the most aggravating person I've ever dealt with! She and her superior are two of the most arrogant, conceited, and dismissive women i've ever had the displeasure of dealing with!
I'm old, dammit! I've been dealing with doctors, one on one, ever since I was 13. I KNOW my body. I KNOW when something is amiss. But when someone I've only met once ignores everything I say regarding everything I've been through, every medical professional's diagnosis before, and every symptom I'm having and have had, I get pissed!
There are strong, inspirational women with hearts, compassion, understanding, and the ability to truly hear another person. And then there are the snobbish bitches who look down their noses at anyone not them and predetermine who you are by some preconceived notion.
At my age, I really don't have time for this kind of shit. 
I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm worthy of better medical care and am due a lot more respect than what I received today.

Some people....

Some people...
I was raised in the church and taught the words of Jesus. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' is something I learned by age five. 'Show kindness and be generous' came soon after that. Both my grandmothers were 'givers', and would give their last penny, last package of meat, last jar of canned goods, to help and bless their neighbors, and sometimes even their enemies. 
I saw how good the receiver felt. I saw how much peace my grandmothers felt. I understood that it can be more blessed to give than to receive, and I've tried to practice this throughout my life.
Yet, I find myself surrounded by people who view a 'gift', an act of generosity, as suspect. 
OR, the receiver wants more, to the point it feels like a leech sucking every last drop of blood from me. And, God forbid, if I say anything to put a stop to the blood-letting! 

I guess I live in a time where common courtesy and human decency is no longer taught at home, or anywhere else, for that matter. It's every man out for himself and kindness, compassion, and generosity are viewed as a weakness, OR as a tool for dark motives. 
Nothing is respected. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is held to a higher standard.
Just humans behaving uncivilized, selfish, careless, and without thought or consideration of anyone else.

Some people make life so sad and unsatisfactory. 
Some people...

June 22, 2020 Update

Well, it's been a while since I've been on this blog site, seven years and twenty-two days to be exact. Sad, actually, to let her go for so long without so much as a word. I had such high and mighty hopes for this blog, but as with all things pertaining to my life, it only mattered to me. 
I did delete many things before I left, things that mattered to me, but only mattered to others as a means to harass and bully me. For someone who has battled severe depression and low self-esteem all of her life, the last thing I needed was to be put down and made fun of concerning things that were important to me.
I refuse to 'grow a thicker skin' when people refuse to show human kindness! 
Why am I always the one who has to change and make compromises? 

Anyway, dropping in for a few minutes to revisit this site only farther depresses me. 

Maybe another day, but today ain't that day.

Happy 50th Birthday To Me

Happy 50th Birthday to me! Yes, I will celebrate it...I will brag about it...I will embrace it...and I will be grateful for it!
50 years...And I've seen a lot.
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. It was a completely personal and private thing that no one but my Savior and I were privy to. And it was a good thing because I would certainly come to need the Hand of Jesus in my life.
A childhood where abuse was present on more occasions than I'd like to remember. 
Adolescence evolved into me hating myself because of the unchecked abuse and the constant bullying I suffered at school.
Teen years led me to rebel and exhibit self destructive habits and eventually a suicide attempt.  Had it not been for a supernatural presence and a quiet voice speaking into my ear, I would not be here today!
The loss of a high school friend.
The most heinous of betrayals by another high school friend. 
Escaping home the only way I knew how.
My first child 2 weeks past my 19th birthday.
Leaving, and then divorcing my abusive 1rst husband a couple of days before my 21rst birthday.
Meeting & falling in love for the very first time a few months later. 
A volatile relationship which ended suddenly and resulted in the loss of my 2nd child and initiated my 2nd suicide attempt. 10 months of playing cat & mouse with the one I loved which ended only with his murder...on the 3rd birthday of my first child & inadvertently led to my having an emotional 'breakdown'. 
More familial abuse followed for the next 2 years, as well as the birth of my 3rd child, 2nd son. It was during this time that Jesus and my faith in God saw me through many a dark and lonely day & night! I surrendered myself to Christ during this time and He saw me through. He eventually led me to my present, REAL husband...My savior in human form!
The next few years produced our daughter, my fourth child...as well as a lot of hell. Marriage wasn't easy...I had my 'baggage' and he had his, plus the familial rumor mill ran rampart...and to this day there are those who still cling to the old lies and bullshit.
I went through major depression. I considered suicide more times than I will admit. But I somehow made it through those years, doing the best I knew how to do with very little support or help from anyone save God.
And then one day, a couple months after my 38th birthday, I became a grandmother! I had been born to be a grandma! I loved that child even before he was born, and after his birth, I was the only person who he ever bonded with. Things were bad in his little life and I found myself in the toughest battle of my life! 
Maybe it was because I had been abused myself...I just don't know...but I knew he was suffering from abuse and I fought harder, louder and without regret or remorse. Sadly, I was right and I gained custody of this child, and later adopted him. 
But it hasn't been without sacrifices. I lost my oldest son because I refused to abandon my grandchild, HIS biological child. I lost my granddaughter, my grandson's half sister because of my son's hatred. 
My life was threatened repeatedly and for 4 solid years we lived in fear. We ended up selling our farm, our beautiful 100 year old house, my lush gardens, my beloved horses and my chickens...just to get away from the constant fear AND the financial stress the attorney fees had placed on us. It was hard on all of us, and I still miss that place and my horses, but the peace & safety we have found truly makes up for all of it.
But my health suffered...I developed high blood pressure, low blood sugar and added a total of 70 pounds! My stress level has been through the roof because my now adopted son can be a handful: Partly because since we sold our farm, my husband has had to work away from home and I suddenly become a 'single parent' due to the necessity of a pay check, and partly because my son suffers from ADD & impulsive behavior caused by a neurological disorder, thanks to his meth addict egg donor.
But somehow I managed to not have a stroke or heart attack, and in the last three months I've lost almost 30 pounds. Also, from about the age of 40 and my premature completion of menopause, the deep depression went away. I learned how to pray scriptures over my life and I learned how to love me, for me. I learned how to speak up and out for myself and those I love. I stopped being so afraid of offending others at the price of my own feelings and beliefs. I learned that I am okay, maybe not everyone's 'cup of tea', but just right for those who know me and love me.
My marriage also improved greatly over the past 12 years, as did my own self image. My husband is now my best friend and partner in all things, not just 'marriage'.
And so, here I am...50 years old. Wife to one man for going on 26 years. Mother to four living children. Grandmother to 4. Friend to just a few, but quality will always be more important to me than quality!
I am loved by some, hated by many, and even feared by a few who have felt my wrath! 
And I am okay with that. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for injustices done to those I love, and I don't give up or give in. 
And I fight for my God, my beliefs, my faith because without those three things, I would not be here now.
I am grateful to God for yet another year gone and another day ahead of me. 
My paternal grandmother died in her sleep 3 months after her 50th birthday. My maternal grandmother died a few months after her 90th birthday. I pray for 40 more years to see my children, my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. But if God gives me just one more day, then I am grateful.
This life has been eventful, to say the least. It has never been easy and rarely without drama, but it is MY life and I've lived it the best I knew how. Despite all of the pain and ugliness I've lived through, it's been a good 50 years...I am BLESSED beyond measure and my cup most certainly runneth over!
Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul and saving my life. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me what you said you would that night when I was 15 years old and on the brink of death after I had swallowed that bottle of pills. Those children are beautiful, wonderful children, this man has turned out to be the love of my life and these grandkids are truly gifts from Heaven above! 
My hope remains in YOU, Father in Heaven. You are the most wonderful thing that my life has ever experienced!
Happy 50th Birthday to me, Jennifer Diane, born in the afternoon of June 1rst, 1963 at Cleveland Hospital, Cleveland, Texas!

Allowances....

I am allowed to get angry. I am allowed to rant and rave, scream at the top of my lungs and perhaps even throw a thing or two.
I am allowed to spend my anger until I finally find some quiet. In that quiet, I am allowed to pray to God and confess my sins and I am allowed to ask for and recieve forgiveness for those sins.
And then...I am allowed to forgive others and move forward, passing by those things which caused my anger, hoping for a brighter tomorrow and a tomorrow filled with peace and good tidings toward my fellow man and within my own heart.

So, what do you say about someone who gets angry at you because you've done all of the above and have moved past your anger?
Personally I think you wipe the dust of them off of your shoulders, walk away with your head held high and never, ever look back!

Dreams & my Realtor...

Seems pretty wild to most everyone but me...But it is something that I must stop and pnder...
Had my house listed with the realtor since the end of February 2010. I knew when I listed it that it was not going to be an easy sale because it's a single wide manufactured home. But in the two years since we've bought it, I've kicked my own ass (as well as my beloved husband's) cleaning up, fencing and doing a bit of remodeling to the interior. It doesn't hurt that I'm a bit of a neat freak, either. So when people walk in for the first time, their eyes get wide and the first thing they all say is, "WOW!"
I like that. I like that a lot!
But, I am only human and there are times when I let things go a little...clutter fills the table, the bar, and I might not sweep the entire house every day. Sometimes we're tired. Sometimes we're sick. A lot of times we're heading to and from our place in Dryden. And then something strange will happen...From out of no where, I'll suddenly get this strong feeling, "You need to get this house CLEAN and NOW!" And I'll work my butt off to get it spic and span clean...And then, I'll go to bed and during the night I'll have a dream about my realtor, or showing or selling this house. Those dreams won't always be perfectly clear, but I'll know they are about this house. And then, within a few hours after I awaken, I'll get a call from my realtor's office, "I've got someone that wants to see your house today."
Thus far, it's happened ONLY seven times...and the house has only been shown SEVEN times!
It happened again last night and then today, we had a sudden showing.
It's WILD, but I LOVE it!