Cloudless days,
star-lit nights,
a steady breeze
across my skin...
As I lie back
and watch the skies
move endlessly
above me...
I am but
a small partical
floating steadily
through this life...
With dreams of quiet
serenity,
laughter, love
and joy.
A voice beckons
from a distant place,
"Come home, little one,
come home to me."
"I'm coming,"
I say,
But patience
is my enemy...
It steals my peace,
my joy and hope,
and anger
dwells within me.
"Be still," it says,
"trust in
the ONE
that sustains you."
I'm trying,
my Lord,
I'm trying...
I'm standing...
I'm waiting...
I'm ready...
I want to come Home!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A flower
A flower...That is Logan. A small, wonderful, beautiful little flower that threatens to be the most magnificent bloom in the garden!
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
He has his thorns, but they aren't too long and don't do more than irritate...So the flower of Logan can be enjoyed and loved without memory of the little thorns.
This morning at 7:30am, he comes to my bed and says, "I'm hungry."
I was unable to get to sleep until after 4:00am as I battled with coughing caused by allergies. So I said, "Can you give me just a few more minutes rest before I have to get up?"
He said, "Okay." and left the room.
I closed my eyes and welcomed rest, only to feel his presence beside the bed. I opened my eyes and he stood there holding an egg. He laid the egg on the pillow next to me and said, "I want THIS for breakfast and I want it now!"
I told him to get that egg out of my bed immediately and he did so, but with strict orders to cook it immediately...Which I did.
I am so exhausted this afternoon, but the memory of this 6 year old child bringing an egg to my bed is just too funny to forget.
Flowers...Sometimes God allows them to grow, even among the weeds.
Weeds!
Weeds! That is exactly what my life seems to be filled with at the moment. Weeds. Oh, how I would love to have flowers, bursting forth with beauty and heavenly aromas...Or fruits...Hanging from the branches of trees, ripe for the picking and sweet, oh so sweet, to the lips.
Instead, I'm overwhelmed with weeds.
We put our house up for sale on the internet last July 2007. We wnet a few months without any interest, so I listed with a realtor. A combative bitch, she turned out to be! Much like my mother...If there was an error, a misjudgement, a poor decision in the listing, it was MY fault. if we had recieved no interest in the property, that was MY fault. She was perfect, a creature unique to the earth. So, when her contract was up in April, I promptly fired her ass and hired another realtor. This one was certain he could get the property sold, but for a much reduced price...He listed it over $50,000. below what the former realtor had listed it. It also took him a month to get it published on his website, and will be another 2-3 weeks before it's published out of county! Then he tells me about two weeks ago that "maybe you should consider reducing the price". I wanted to scream, "Screw You!"
So, here we sit...in this much to large a house, with at least three rooms we never use, a guest house we don't need...as we never have guests...and a yard that takes my husband three afternoons to mow and weed eat a week! We know where we want to be, just can not get this place sold.
Add to this that I'm looking at another year of home schooling and since I'm not good at it and the child is mildly autistic and incredibly ADHD, I'm bordering on severe depression.
I'd really like to have him in public school and be back in church, but there is no where here that we can go. Both the schools and the churches in this area have people that were good friends with his mother and abuser, and I just can not suject he or I to those kinds of people.
I'm also on Medifast to lose weight and have lost 14 pounds since May 3oth, but for the last week I am stuck...not a pound gone in 5 days. The food is horrible and I am so damned hungry! I even bought a pack of cigarettes ten days ago. I haven't opened them or smoked a one, but the desire is there...somedays it's stronger than others.
Add to all of this the allergies...I go outdoors and within minutes I can't breath or start itching. And, I'm on meds 24 hours a day!!!
I just want so badly to be away from here. A new place, a new start, Logan back in school, us back in church, breathing healthier air, being able to get outdoors and enjoy the land.
Patience is not my strong point. I read a quote the other day that suited me perfectly. It read: "Actually, I am a pretty patient person. Just as long as I don't have to wait for anything."
That could have been written by me!
Weeds.
I do hate the weeds.
For the last year and month my life has been overgrown with weeds.
I will be so glad when we can turn this ground under and start fresh.
I guess I could look at my life for the last year and say that it has been a season of fall and winter...Therefore, there will be hope and spring will come...in it's own time.
God help me...I am so discouraged right now.
Instead, I'm overwhelmed with weeds.
We put our house up for sale on the internet last July 2007. We wnet a few months without any interest, so I listed with a realtor. A combative bitch, she turned out to be! Much like my mother...If there was an error, a misjudgement, a poor decision in the listing, it was MY fault. if we had recieved no interest in the property, that was MY fault. She was perfect, a creature unique to the earth. So, when her contract was up in April, I promptly fired her ass and hired another realtor. This one was certain he could get the property sold, but for a much reduced price...He listed it over $50,000. below what the former realtor had listed it. It also took him a month to get it published on his website, and will be another 2-3 weeks before it's published out of county! Then he tells me about two weeks ago that "maybe you should consider reducing the price". I wanted to scream, "Screw You!"
So, here we sit...in this much to large a house, with at least three rooms we never use, a guest house we don't need...as we never have guests...and a yard that takes my husband three afternoons to mow and weed eat a week! We know where we want to be, just can not get this place sold.
Add to this that I'm looking at another year of home schooling and since I'm not good at it and the child is mildly autistic and incredibly ADHD, I'm bordering on severe depression.
I'd really like to have him in public school and be back in church, but there is no where here that we can go. Both the schools and the churches in this area have people that were good friends with his mother and abuser, and I just can not suject he or I to those kinds of people.
I'm also on Medifast to lose weight and have lost 14 pounds since May 3oth, but for the last week I am stuck...not a pound gone in 5 days. The food is horrible and I am so damned hungry! I even bought a pack of cigarettes ten days ago. I haven't opened them or smoked a one, but the desire is there...somedays it's stronger than others.
Add to all of this the allergies...I go outdoors and within minutes I can't breath or start itching. And, I'm on meds 24 hours a day!!!
I just want so badly to be away from here. A new place, a new start, Logan back in school, us back in church, breathing healthier air, being able to get outdoors and enjoy the land.
Patience is not my strong point. I read a quote the other day that suited me perfectly. It read: "Actually, I am a pretty patient person. Just as long as I don't have to wait for anything."
That could have been written by me!
Weeds.
I do hate the weeds.
For the last year and month my life has been overgrown with weeds.
I will be so glad when we can turn this ground under and start fresh.
I guess I could look at my life for the last year and say that it has been a season of fall and winter...Therefore, there will be hope and spring will come...in it's own time.
God help me...I am so discouraged right now.
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